I still shiver when I remember the Krypton Challenge 2010. A few of the usual suspects were missing: reigning Kryptonman Dave J was being fitted for his wedding suit; Sue R had forgotten her wetsuit and Mark P had locked his in his car and now had no keys...(a long story). Poor excuses in my view, although the water temperature was several degrees below normal after the harsh winter. Only seven of us were intrepid, or daft, enough to brave the antarctic waters of Coniston.
As Dave M couldn’t compete due to injury I’d persuaded him to be the safety boat cabin boy...errm I mean captain. “Right, we swim out to the boat and back...”, I briefed the less than enthusiastic competitors, outnumbered four to one by a sadistically grinning mob of spectators, “...then grab your lilo and paddle out and back again”. The motley crew of contenders lined up for the official photo...and what a picture. Sheila and Richard looking less perturbed than the rest of us as they’d opted to do only the swim, Chrispy still sporting her usual enthusiastic smile, Paula with inbuilt buoyancy aids, Roger with his ass hanging out of his armless wetsuit, Jane in neoprene helmet doing a spiffing impression of Biggles what ho, and Captain Krypton obviously looking suave in his best rubber suit. “Paddle a bit further out”, I shouted to Dave. A resounding chorus of “NO, paddle a bit further in”, erupted from my rivals.
Unlike England Athletics’ requirements, Krypton Events require no official training course for timekeepers or scorekeepers...just an ability to read a watch and add up or, at the very least, to be press ganged into the job. Jeffers and Skinz met at least one of the criteria between them. “Right...GO”, they shouted. The water literally took my breath away as we took the plunge ... brrrrrrrrrrr. The thirty or so metres to the boat seemed like three hundred. My feet suddenly felt like they were enveloped by ice. Nobody earned the fiver on offer for tipping Dave out of the boat, I think we were all too concerned with getting back to dry land asap... albeit briefly as we collected our lilos and paddled once more across the freezing water clutching assorted lobsters, crocodiles and rubber rings. Hats off to Roger who put in the fastest swim, and the fastest lilo.
The third event in the Krypton Quadrathlon was a new discipline, one that is very likely to be introduced as Team GB’s wildcard event at the 2012 Olympics - Spacehopper Racing. Unfortunately we were limited to one adult hopper and four kiddies ones (the rest were locked up in Mark's keyless car). The kids had earlier exhibited spectacular spacehopper prowess and acrobatics on the camping field. We, on the other hand, demonstrated a particular lack of flexibility and skill. I can tell you it's not easy bouncing when your balls are only 18 inches in diameter! I was penalised by a particularly picky referee for doing squat jumps instead of bouncing. “You cheated”, the unruly spectators shouted as I flopped exhausted over the finish line. “”There’s nowt in the rules about having to actually bounce”, I protested. “Report him to the referee”, they bayed. “I am the referee”, I retorted. Wilting under mob pressure I reluctantly docked my not unimpressive time of several minutes for the 50 metre course. However, the penalty was academic as we’d all been trounced by Chrispy. (she did admit to having been practising in her lounge for several months.)
Although I was trailing in the overall timings I was confident I’d improve my standings in the final event, the ‘Run round that tree at the top of the field and back’ Race. Young Jack C, my arch rival in the Bunny Runs, had thrown his hat in the ring for this event and from the off he was on my tail. It’s a long way uphill to that tree but I rounded it first with Jack and Roger just behind. Back down the hill, legs burning, but to no avail. Roger powered past me to win the run and Jack (no doubt a future Kryptonman in the making) pipped me on the line.
Skins and Jeffers conferred and totted and calculated. No fancy spreadsheets for them, just a pen and paper, some mental gymnastics and some interesting face pulling and beard scratching. Capn K’s presentation was, as usual, slick and professional, the handsome prizes an inspiration for future Krypton contenders. As he handed out the prize cream eggs he’s sure he spotted a tear in the eyes of the proud recipients.
The individual event winners: Swim, Lilo and Run Champion – Roger; Spacehopper Champion – Chrispy.
And, the proud winers of the most coveted title in the extreme sports world:
KRYPTONWOMAN 2010 – Paula KRYPTONMAN 2010 – Roger
As Dave M couldn’t compete due to injury I’d persuaded him to be the safety boat cabin boy...errm I mean captain. “Right, we swim out to the boat and back...”, I briefed the less than enthusiastic competitors, outnumbered four to one by a sadistically grinning mob of spectators, “...then grab your lilo and paddle out and back again”. The motley crew of contenders lined up for the official photo...and what a picture. Sheila and Richard looking less perturbed than the rest of us as they’d opted to do only the swim, Chrispy still sporting her usual enthusiastic smile, Paula with inbuilt buoyancy aids, Roger with his ass hanging out of his armless wetsuit, Jane in neoprene helmet doing a spiffing impression of Biggles what ho, and Captain Krypton obviously looking suave in his best rubber suit. “Paddle a bit further out”, I shouted to Dave. A resounding chorus of “NO, paddle a bit further in”, erupted from my rivals.
Unlike England Athletics’ requirements, Krypton Events require no official training course for timekeepers or scorekeepers...just an ability to read a watch and add up or, at the very least, to be press ganged into the job. Jeffers and Skinz met at least one of the criteria between them. “Right...GO”, they shouted. The water literally took my breath away as we took the plunge ... brrrrrrrrrrr. The thirty or so metres to the boat seemed like three hundred. My feet suddenly felt like they were enveloped by ice. Nobody earned the fiver on offer for tipping Dave out of the boat, I think we were all too concerned with getting back to dry land asap... albeit briefly as we collected our lilos and paddled once more across the freezing water clutching assorted lobsters, crocodiles and rubber rings. Hats off to Roger who put in the fastest swim, and the fastest lilo.
The third event in the Krypton Quadrathlon was a new discipline, one that is very likely to be introduced as Team GB’s wildcard event at the 2012 Olympics - Spacehopper Racing. Unfortunately we were limited to one adult hopper and four kiddies ones (the rest were locked up in Mark's keyless car). The kids had earlier exhibited spectacular spacehopper prowess and acrobatics on the camping field. We, on the other hand, demonstrated a particular lack of flexibility and skill. I can tell you it's not easy bouncing when your balls are only 18 inches in diameter! I was penalised by a particularly picky referee for doing squat jumps instead of bouncing. “You cheated”, the unruly spectators shouted as I flopped exhausted over the finish line. “”There’s nowt in the rules about having to actually bounce”, I protested. “Report him to the referee”, they bayed. “I am the referee”, I retorted. Wilting under mob pressure I reluctantly docked my not unimpressive time of several minutes for the 50 metre course. However, the penalty was academic as we’d all been trounced by Chrispy. (she did admit to having been practising in her lounge for several months.)
Although I was trailing in the overall timings I was confident I’d improve my standings in the final event, the ‘Run round that tree at the top of the field and back’ Race. Young Jack C, my arch rival in the Bunny Runs, had thrown his hat in the ring for this event and from the off he was on my tail. It’s a long way uphill to that tree but I rounded it first with Jack and Roger just behind. Back down the hill, legs burning, but to no avail. Roger powered past me to win the run and Jack (no doubt a future Kryptonman in the making) pipped me on the line.
Skins and Jeffers conferred and totted and calculated. No fancy spreadsheets for them, just a pen and paper, some mental gymnastics and some interesting face pulling and beard scratching. Capn K’s presentation was, as usual, slick and professional, the handsome prizes an inspiration for future Krypton contenders. As he handed out the prize cream eggs he’s sure he spotted a tear in the eyes of the proud recipients.
The individual event winners: Swim, Lilo and Run Champion – Roger; Spacehopper Champion – Chrispy.
And, the proud winers of the most coveted title in the extreme sports world:
KRYPTONWOMAN 2010 – Paula KRYPTONMAN 2010 – Roger
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